Not what I expected

By and large, having cancer has not been what I expected.  In a good way.

When I found out I had cancer, it was scary for sure.  The "what if's" and the thought of scarring the kids was at the front of my mind.  But I only had time to worry about that for about a millisecond before the ball got rolling.  You have to remember that it was a week later that I had surgery to have  a port placed and less than 2 weeks after my diagnosis before my chemo started.  There wasn't really much time to worry.

However, between the time my BI Oncologist gave me the name of the cancer and the day of my consult with Dr. N. I had time to research the cancer.  I know I said I haven't even typed in the name... that's because I originally thought I was told I had a very different version of cancer.  One with a 91% cure rate at Dana Farber.  One with no chemo on the docket.  One that, once I told Dr. N. what I thought I had, he hesitated before gently letting me know that I was wrong.  I had a very different sarcoma.  One with bigger hurdles and a lot more to it.  So that day at Dana Farber I let the worry get to me.  I was afraid of getting really sick with the chemo.  I was afraid of losing Harper or being forced to terminate all together.

Since then, it's been go go go.  I have completed 5 full cycles of chemo and I am feeling really good.  I have about a week and a half each cycle where I am exhausted and have an awful sore throat, but those side effects are minor.  I did have about 2 days my very first cycle where I was laying in bed, exhausted and pregnant and wondering how on Earth I would ever care for a newborn while being so exhausted, but I've figured out how to deal with it and get moving, so I think I'll be fine.

Overall I feel pretty good each cycle.  I can take the kids to school & camp.  I can sit and watch them swim in the pool.   I can tuck them in and read bedtime stories.  I can make lunches and cook dinner.  It's not what I expected, that's for sure.  Life just goes on.  A few weeks ago a friend posted a Huffington Post story that was so perfect and accurate.

So I've completed 5 cycles.  I started cycle 6 today.  I have 8 full cycles left.  I have 6 weeks of radiation ahead of me.  (Not looking forward to that!)  But we're also planning day trips and fun for the kids for the summer.  Because life goes on.  And I'm a Mama.