The people around me

Right after Connor passed away, one thing I noticed really early on was who was really there for us.  It's easy to say you're there, but to actually be there is something different.  I'm not going to lie- we were let down by a lot of people, but those that were there made all the difference.  Fortunately I'm also a homebody who doesn't need a lot of people around me.  I would much rather be at home with a few people I'm truly comfortable with than a whole bunch of people, so it was easy for me to shrug my shoulders, say "meh", and move on from the people who weren't there.

 I have noticed this time around that it's exactly the same in some ways.  There are people who are here that I knew would be here.  There are people who I thought would at least reach out who I have never once heard from.  Again... "meh" and move on.

But this time around I have also realized how amazingly lucky I am to be where I am because SO many people have reached out and I have been so deeply touched and overwhelmed and grateful.

My school/work community has truly been the most amazing thing to come out of this.  At school I keep to myself, get my work done... I'm me and I'm quiet.  I didn't feel like an outsider, but I didn't feel like I'd really weaseled myself in yet.  I knew everyone, but besides some "hi"s and "how are you"s we were busy.

But oh my word.

Once I was diagnosed in February my entire school community immediately rallied around me and I have been so amazingly grateful (and awful at sending Thank Yous).  A collection was set up to help offset some expenses (gas and parking and such).  A card drive was organized and bins were set up and when I picked up H from preschool (which is attached to my school) there would be cards and gifts waiting in the bins.  Once huge bins were filled with summery toys- one for each of my kiddos.  I received cookies and books and so many wonderful things from people I knew, but I had no idea really knew me.   My amazing class set up a dinner delivery for me.  We'd come home to amazing meals waiting for us twice a week.  We still have delicious dinners waiting in the freezer.  Old families from past years delivered their own meals and cards and "thinking of you"s.  Coworkers managed to get four full scholarships for my kiddos to attend summer camp while I'm at chemo and radiation-- something I never even considered, but has been such an amazing and wonderful opportunity for my kids.  Early on I received a huge email put together by staff members who had "been there" filled with tips and groups and places to contact that help families dealing with cancer.

I just have felt so wrapped in love.   And I'm so very grateful (I've used that word a lot!) that I get to work with such an amazing and wonderful group of people.

Not what I expected

By and large, having cancer has not been what I expected.  In a good way.

When I found out I had cancer, it was scary for sure.  The "what if's" and the thought of scarring the kids was at the front of my mind.  But I only had time to worry about that for about a millisecond before the ball got rolling.  You have to remember that it was a week later that I had surgery to have  a port placed and less than 2 weeks after my diagnosis before my chemo started.  There wasn't really much time to worry.

However, between the time my BI Oncologist gave me the name of the cancer and the day of my consult with Dr. N. I had time to research the cancer.  I know I said I haven't even typed in the name... that's because I originally thought I was told I had a very different version of cancer.  One with a 91% cure rate at Dana Farber.  One with no chemo on the docket.  One that, once I told Dr. N. what I thought I had, he hesitated before gently letting me know that I was wrong.  I had a very different sarcoma.  One with bigger hurdles and a lot more to it.  So that day at Dana Farber I let the worry get to me.  I was afraid of getting really sick with the chemo.  I was afraid of losing Harper or being forced to terminate all together.

Since then, it's been go go go.  I have completed 5 full cycles of chemo and I am feeling really good.  I have about a week and a half each cycle where I am exhausted and have an awful sore throat, but those side effects are minor.  I did have about 2 days my very first cycle where I was laying in bed, exhausted and pregnant and wondering how on Earth I would ever care for a newborn while being so exhausted, but I've figured out how to deal with it and get moving, so I think I'll be fine.

Overall I feel pretty good each cycle.  I can take the kids to school & camp.  I can sit and watch them swim in the pool.   I can tuck them in and read bedtime stories.  I can make lunches and cook dinner.  It's not what I expected, that's for sure.  Life just goes on.  A few weeks ago a friend posted a Huffington Post story that was so perfect and accurate.

So I've completed 5 cycles.  I started cycle 6 today.  I have 8 full cycles left.  I have 6 weeks of radiation ahead of me.  (Not looking forward to that!)  But we're also planning day trips and fun for the kids for the summer.  Because life goes on.  And I'm a Mama.